long ago in the sweet used to be

I'm packing because I am moving. Going through my things, deciding what to keep and what to give away, I get nostalgic. Old cards, printed emails, photos, gifts, a random article of clothing I haven't seen worn in a long time. I start thinking about the people I have cared about. And those who have cared about me. And then I start to think about those who mattered to me, but who probably never knew.

In our lives, there will most likely come a time when we find out that we mattered more to someone than we previously realized. The newly discovered awareness is lovely ... at first. But then come the questions: why didn't I know? would it have mattered if I did? does anyone else feel this way? why do I still have this Richard Marx t-shirt?

And then you think about the people who mattered more than you let on. Maybe it was the guy from high school - the one who told you that you had the sweetest eyes he'd ever seen. Or the guy you talked to for hours that night at the bar in Burlington - the artist on his way to NYC - who you hope made it. Or the classmate who told on the other kids when they were being mean to you in the 6th grade and who would end up facing the wrath of the mean clique for the rest of the year, but whom you never had the chance to thank?

There is a place in my mind where those people still exist. The ones who had a quick and lasting impact on my life. They cross my mind and I wonder where they are, what they are doing. And I wonder if they remember me or the moment as clearly as I do.

The reality is that most of them probably have no idea the impact they had on my life or that they still cross my mind. Which makes me wonder about the lives I may have touched ... and if I'll ever know.

Wouldn't it be nice to know?