Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Question 42

Rhetorical questions ... to which I want answers:

1. If I'm not supposed to stick anything smaller than my elbow into my ear, why do they make Q-tips so damn small?

2. Why does the hair on my legs grow back to the length it was pre-shave the very instant I sneeze?

3. Why, when I drop something in the bathroom, does it always fall behind the toilet?

4. Why does chewing gum lose its flavor after 10 seconds of continuous chewing?

5. Why do they bother to make yellow and green sour patch kid flavors? Or Lifesavers for that matter?


At 11:58 PM , Blogger Graz said...

Okay, these are answers given to me for these exact questions by my spirtual leader, Fuzzy from Mort's Implements and Center for Higher's great, they have a "Two fer Tuesdays" special......where was I? Oh, okay......

1. Q-tips were originally designed as an alternative to twizzle sticks, but after not having much success in that market, the company went on a full scale marketing campaign to convince people to use them for cleaning their ears. This, of course, started the great "Wax Wars" of the late April 17th of 1962. And the statement of "Don't but anything in your ears smaller than your elbow" is actually a mis-quote. It should be "Don't stick anything in your ears without using your elbow because your neck isn't that fricking long, Leroy". Which stems from a guy named Leroy being severely injured while trying to clean his ears using the key to his 1948 Desoto.

2. That's a very scientifically laden question. When you sneeze, you are trying to overcome the pressure of the atmosphere outside your body and release the pressure inside your body. Now, one atm or atmosphere is equal to 101.325 kilopascals, or approximately 29.92 inches of mercury, or 14.6959 psi. This is standard atmosphere. When sneezing, your body can build in the area of 45 psi. Now, that pressure has to go somewhere and it can't all escape through the nose and /or mouth, (unless you have a big yap like my ex) so the body tends to spread that pressure out to other parts of the body causing hair growth and such's also know to cause a little toot at times. So to sum it up...... I haven't a clue.

3. There is a magnetic field that is generated behind the toilet that science has yet to explain. Some folks think that it's a portal to another dimension. In my own studies, I have found that the presence of alchohol intensifies this effect.....specifically Two Fingers Tequila. Still remember waking up and looking up at the underside of the toilet tank. So, just don't let your loofah or toothbrush drink and it shouldn't be too bad.

4. Because the sweetness of the gum just can't compete with you, Punky! < / suck up >

5. They're doing people a favor by making those flavors. Say someone that you really don't like comes up while you're enjoying the nutritious, tasty goodness of sour patch kids or Lifesavers. You don't like the person. Even if you did, you sure as hell don't want to share any......

Person: Hey, Sour Patch Kids! I love those!

You: Numm, yumm, scarf!

Person: *longing look at your goodies*

You...thinking: one. Blegh!

You...speaking: Here, I'll share with you!

Person: Hey thanks!

You: *running away stuffing the rest of your sour patch kids in your mouth*.

So, they are made as a community service and as a public relations tool.

I hope I was helpful with my answers to your questions. Now I must take my hourly meds..... Sour Patch Kids washed down with Two Fingers Tequila.....

At 12:25 AM , Blogger Derek said...

1. Elbows used to be a lot smaller
2. It's a defense mechanism your body employs. When you sneeze, it might mean that you're getting a cold. If you're cold, you obviously need to add some layers. Thus, the hair grows.
3. The Doppler effect
4. Because if it didn't, nobody would buy Everlasting Gobstoppers
5. Tell you what: I'll trade you all my cherry and grape Lifesavers/SPK for your lemon and lime ones. Readily.

At 1:13 AM , Blogger Kafaleni said...

1. I thought it was index fingers (which, believe me, can't get as far as you need them to, at any point) rather than elbows. I'd like to meet a guy who could stuff his elbow in his ear. What was the question again? Oh, it's a conspiracy between the Q-tip company and HMOs. If you pierce your ear drum with the Q-tip, you have to go to your HMO for medical care, and they charge you and the insurance companies a gazillion dollars, and give a kickback to the Q-tip guys for research grants to make Q-tips slimmer and sharper. Within the next generation, Q-tips and toothpicks will be interchangeable.

2. Because God is a man.

3. a combination of gravitational force fields, the Doppler effect and karma.

4. Because otherwise you'd chew it forever and Mr Wrigley would go broke.

5. Apparently, they do it for Bis.

At 8:04 AM , Blogger Tamara said...

1) Q-tips are not supposed to go in your ear. It says so on the package!

2) Please stop sneezing, because I think your sneezes are affecting my legs, too!

3) Prolly cuz yer a freak, dear. :)

4) Because it is suicidal at the thought of ruining your teeth with its sugars.

5) Aesthetics.

You're welcome! ;)

At 9:54 AM , Blogger Higgy said...

1. To clean the gunk out of babies' crevices? I dunno, because I stick a Q-tip in until it stops....

2. Because you're so....

*has to think to finish this sentence*

Non-european? I got nuthin.

3. It's the bathroom law. This same law always adds two pounds to your scale whenever you get on.

4. Because it's out of shape gum and it's too knackered after a good chew to do anything else. I was almost going to say that nothing lasts 10 seconds in your mouth, but then I thought better of it.

5. Lemon and Lime? Or am I missing something bigger here?

At 10:13 AM , Blogger punky said...

1. Sticking Q-tips in my ear FEELS good.

2. If I sneeze in the shower, I can get a really close shave. Now I just need to figure out how to make myself sneeze on demand.

3. Did I ever tell you all that I found a mushroom growing behind my toilet?

4. This is why I prefer candy.

5. The only flavors worthy of chewing are red and orange and blue. And yes higgy, nothing lasts more than 10 seconds in my mouth. :)

At 10:50 AM , Blogger Tamara said...

Responses to Punky's responses:

1) I know. I do it, too. Especially since Roberto likes to have sex with my ear. *snork* Just sayin' about the package instructions.

3) Yes. Frequently. *snork!*

5) *SNORK!*

At 1:17 PM , Anonymous kingw said...

1) At the risk of offending El, it's the lawyers fault. Or maybe stupid people. The lawyers made them say not to put Qtips in your ear because of stupid people. You know the ones, they push the Qtip in one side and pull it out the other. Then they complain about ear aches.

2)Derek was close. When you sneeze the muscles in your skin constrict exposing the hairs. Probably like the phenomenom of dead people's hair continuing to grow.

3)Physics, just like buttered toast falling butter side down. It just has to. Or because invariably it is the dirtiest area in the bathroom

4)I think this is new. It used to be in the old days gum would keep its flavor. They used to make gum from chicle. Now they make it from some manmade plastic crap that can't hold the flavor.

5)Planned obsolescence. They know you wont eat them. So they can use these to fill out the package making you buy another package sooner to get the good flavors.

I think Cliff Claven and I have a lunch date

At 1:43 PM , Blogger Deontologist said...

Wait, the mushroom was growing behind the toilet? Oh, I remember hearing the story that it was growing in your navel . . . at least thats the way I've been telling it.

And I suspect that Kaf is right about #2, but not for the reason she thinks.

And, I suspect you might find that correct use of the Q-tip in your ear might provide the "just sneezed" effect you need in the shower.

At 2:32 PM , Blogger punky said...

There ain't nothin' in my naval but my finger and a bunch of lint ... I can knit you a lovely lint sweater.

At 4:40 PM , Blogger Mad Scientist said...

1) Because if they made Q-tips bigger you would still put them in your ear, but then you would really hurt yourself. Or perhaps the tiny little Elves that make Q-tips actually have elbows that size?

2) I don't even have to sneeze!

3) Actually scientists have studied this phenomena. Where do you think Occum's Razor came from? Behind the toilet of course!

4) I think it is suppose to lose the flavor once you put it on your bedpost overnight (Ha Ha you all have earworms now!!!!)

5) I don't eat sourpatch kids, but I would add to the list yellow starbursts and green blow pops.

At 5:20 PM , Anonymous boo augustus said...

1. Punky, as your de facto legal advisor and counselor, I must insist that you refrain from any further public discussions about what you did or did not know you were or were not allowed to put into your ears until the conclusion of our current litigation. You'll never win that multi-million dollar settlement if the lawyers for "Big Q-Tip," can proce you knew or had reason to know that you shouldn't put tiny things in your ears.

On a completely separate note, I prefer to use the caps from Bic round stic pens to clean my ears.

2. I like that European look on a woman.

3. It always fall behind the toilet? Lucky. My stuff always falls IN the toilet.

4. Hmm. Mine only looses its flavor if I leave it on the bedpost overnight.

5. Why do they bother to make sour patch kid flavors Lifesavers anyway. I'm not big on those sucking type candies.

At 7:27 AM , Blogger Trillian DBB said...

5. I like the green ones. but only if they're lime. I don't like green apple or watermelon or cumquat or whatever else they arbitrarily decide to make green

At 10:17 AM , Blogger Derek said...

Oh yeah, I forgot to say that I'm extremely disappointed with the current trend of candies changing the green flavor to apple instead of lime.

At 6:05 AM , Blogger Kafaleni said...

Trillian.. I think it's kumquat with a "k". Cumquat's a whole other gourd.

At 11:43 AM , Blogger punky said...

Honey, if your cumquat is green, you need to see a doctor.

At 12:02 PM , Blogger Higgy said...

Or stop sleeping with leprechauns...

At 8:29 AM , Anonymous lucky said...

Aye, she's always after me "lucky charms"

At 8:30 AM , Blogger Trillian DBB said...

both spellings are acceptable, I went with the one with higher comedic value. yeah, that's the ticket.

At 1:13 PM , Blogger Deontologist said...


Higgy! Too funny!


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