rocky terrain

This has been a tough week for me. Emotionally, I was all over the place. I picked the scab off some wounds that were better left to heal, and I was emotionally smacked upside the head in the process. Aside from the emotional roller coaster I've been riding, I also had a problem securing an individual health insurance policy. Without the emotional chaos, that in and of itself would have been enough to cause a less than stellar week, especially after everything I went through with the Peace Corps earlier this year. But the two things combined have sent me for a loop.

I know that everything works out. It always does, but that is so much harder to remember and hold to when you are smack in the middle of the storm.

I knew I was taking a huge risk by quitting my job, selling my home and moving my life clear across the country. And I have allowed myself to consider whether I should have stayed ... but the mere thought of having continued the life I was living ... as unhappy and unfulfilled as I was ... without any prospect of change in the near (or distant) future seemed a much greater risk than the one I face now. It still seems the more risky of the two, even as I attempt to naviagte this rocky terrain.

I suppose this is to be expected. I went from living a secure, conventional, safe and steady life to a life with no clear path in view, no security to speak of and nothing conventional or normal to rely on or to steady me.

I'm told I am in the liminal period -- the in-between -- the threshold between where I was and where I will be -- no longer living my old life and not quite in a new one ...

I know I will be OK and that everything is unfolding as it should ... but I am feeling anxious and so vulnerable. I am without my bearings. And I am tired.

This weekend I am dog sitting at a beautiful home, overlooking the mountains, surrounded by beauty and nature. I hope to lose myself in the peaceful beauty and to emerge on the other side feeling stronger, more centered and less vulnerable.

still waters run deep

I received this today in an email from "what's up on planet earth". It could not have hit any closer to home ...

"If you are one who has recently let go of connections to the old, you may now be finding yourself in a space of self-exploration, perhaps considering a geographical move, and wondering what your new role might be. Being still, exploring new options and passions, re-connecting to what it is that you really and truly have always wanted, and allowing things to unfold oh so naturally are your keys."

inner compass

There is so much happening in my world. Although I have never really been shy about sharing my thoughts and feelings here, I can't find the words to describe this. The part of me that could find the words is clueless about where I am. The part that knows where I am can only be heard when I quiet the part that's busy trying to define and put labels on things.

So although I want to share what's happening, I couldn't if I tried. I can offer this: this journey feels profoundly important to me.

I don't know where this road will lead me, but I know with absolute certainty that it is where I am meant to be.

wu wei

wu wei is a tenet of taoism that basically involves knowing when to act and when not to act. the paradox wei wu wei means to act without acting ... effortlessly doing.

the practice of acting without acting ... of effortless doing ... resonates pretty deeply in me these days.

gliding. floating. letting it be easy.