Friday, October 24, 2008

rocky terrain

This has been a tough week for me. Emotionally, I was all over the place. I picked the scab off some wounds that were better left to heal, and I was emotionally smacked upside the head in the process. Aside from the emotional roller coaster I've been riding, I also had a problem securing an individual health insurance policy. Without the emotional chaos, that in and of itself would have been enough to cause a less than stellar week, especially after everything I went through with the Peace Corps earlier this year. But the two things combined have sent me for a loop.

I know that everything works out. It always does, but that is so much harder to remember and hold to when you are smack in the middle of the storm.

I knew I was taking a huge risk by quitting my job, selling my home and moving my life clear across the country. And I have allowed myself to consider whether I should have stayed ... but the mere thought of having continued the life I was living ... as unhappy and unfulfilled as I was ... without any prospect of change in the near (or distant) future seemed a much greater risk than the one I face now. It still seems the more risky of the two, even as I attempt to naviagte this rocky terrain.

I suppose this is to be expected. I went from living a secure, conventional, safe and steady life to a life with no clear path in view, no security to speak of and nothing conventional or normal to rely on or to steady me.

I'm told I am in the liminal period -- the in-between -- the threshold between where I was and where I will be -- no longer living my old life and not quite in a new one ...

I know I will be OK and that everything is unfolding as it should ... but I am feeling anxious and so vulnerable. I am without my bearings. And I am tired.

This weekend I am dog sitting at a beautiful home, overlooking the mountains, surrounded by beauty and nature. I hope to lose myself in the peaceful beauty and to emerge on the other side feeling stronger, more centered and less vulnerable.


At 10:16 PM , Blogger Higgy said...

Don't forget to actually LOOK after the dogs!

Seriously - I couldn't imagine doing what you're doing. I have all the faith in the world that things will work out for you - even if the "liminal" period seems to stretch out for a while. BTW - never heard of "liminal".

I can't even fathom what you've shed and what you want to pick back up. Even something as mundane as insurance can be an emotional wringer, I'm sure. Not having had to deal with it for the past 11 years (or so), I wouldn't really even know where to start. Are you getting a lot of that with other aspects of life?

Anyway - I, we, and all of us have trust in your abilities as a sharp, intelligent and ABLE woman - to get through the liminality and find your way on your new path. Personally, I think you're going to end up a ridiculously wealthy artist/poet/writer/photographer/disc jockey/pogo stick champion!


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